on shining

(I feel like there are so many layers to this onion I've been chewing on {ew? ok, maybe lets say a cinnamon roll?}; here's my best attempt at talking about one... or a couple)

 

This quote was shared at our Noonday Ambassador Conference in January, and I've been mulling over it ever since:

 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  

As we are liberated from our own fear,  our presence automatically liberates others.” 

-Marianne Williamson

For the longest time, my struggle was believing that I wasn't adequate. And then when I did believe I was, my security was misplaced in winning the approval of others and being the best at everything.

 

Once I confessed that junk and realized where my security and power comes from, I've found great healing and freedom in Christ. (I've talking about this in previous posts and even spoke on this at our last women's retreat; I'll eventually get that posted, too)

 

Recently, though, one of my struggles has also become worrying about making others feel insecure because of what I can do and what they can't.

Worrying about the comparison, judgement, jealousy of others.

 

But I don't have control over the hearts of my sisters in Christ. That's God's domain. I must pray that they surrender that to Jesus and that my humility and dependence on Jesus is evident in my life.

 

I constantly have to make sure my heart is in the right place. When I use my talents to serve the world and to point that toward Jesus' healing power in my life, that is when I shine. That is when I am bringing glory to God. That is when I give others the permission to shine, too.
 

 

Run your own race, ladies.
Run to win the prize!
Discover what God made you to do and do it brilliantly!
Share it with your friends, your family, your neighbors, your community...
Share it with the world!

 

"But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved."
-Hebrews 10:39

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..."
 -Hebrews 12:1

 

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize?
Run in such a way as to get the prize."
-1 Corinthians 9:24

 

And next time I'll talk about how I was tempted to shrink back
because I believed the lie that I wasn't good enough at something.
Yes, perfectionism is still my enemy, but I'm fighting back.
I am not destroyed by it.
I am choosing faith, not flesh or fear.

focus

I've never chosen a word for the year like many I know. I just got stuck in the thinking about it stage and never go around to the doing it part. This year it was pretty cool how this word kept popping up in my thoughts and prayers.  And, also, ironic that this is that word I believe God put before me: 

focus

Here's the merriam-webster definition of focus:

: a subject that is being discussed or studied : the subject on which people's attention is focused

: a main purpose or interest

: a point at which rays of light, heat, or sound meet or from which they move apart or appear to move apart; especially : the point at which an image is formed by a mirror, a lens, etc.

I tend to be spread every which way most of the time. I can't decide where I should be looking, where I should be spending my time, where I can get the biggest bang for my buck. I need focus.

I'm a BIG day dreamer, and big wisher, hoper, feeler. But that puts me in all sort of places that never seem to end, all muddled up and never "form into something clear" (which is essentially a definition of focus). And then I tend to try to do a bunch of fun things but have no real purpose or goal behind them. Good intentions without good planning ends up with little to show for my efforts.

I also love thinking of it from an artist's persepective. Photographers need to understand focus very well to decide on how to shoot a subject. Parts of a frame are composed very strategically to give the viewer something they can focus their eyes on. 

I can see the world so differently depending on where my gaze is focused.

Not only that, but my main focus needs to be Jesus, as it so often is not.

Focus on Jesus.

Focus on what he's called me to do right now.

Focus on things that matter: relationships, community, passions, health

Because these things are lasting and worth my time.

"Where does my focus need to be right now?"

This is what I'll be asking a lot this year.

Did you pick a word or set goals for 2015?

I'd love to hear them! Share them in a comment below. 

great is your faithfulness

I cannot overstate how incredibly free I feel at the start of this season in my life.

Like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my heavy, heavy shoulders.

And let me tell you, I've been carrying those bricks for a long, LONG time.

The insecurities I've been carrying around with me for most of my life are just too heavy to keep hauling around with me everywhere I go!

As far as insecurities go, I think I was plagued by them from many fronts, and my our personality traits made them harder to bare.

I've certainly had some breakthroughs in the last year, especially last September when I realized my fear of failure.

But I've still been kinda stuck in the mud of fear...

plus my fear of rejection...

my constant need to prove I'm beautiful...

my wanting to be thin enough...

my overly sensitive heart...

that have all paralyzed me in so many ways!

Everything was so heavy to carry around, and I didn't really even know I was doing it.

Since we've been married, money has always been something we've had very little of.

For one reason or another, we've just never been able to make enough to save.

God has always provided and we've been able to make enough to live on, but that's about it.

It's always been that one of us had a full-time job while the other only got to work part-time or not at all.

I've been the one who's hardly worked for over a year, and you can imagine what it's done to my self-esteem, confidence, and really just, respect from my husband...

Then, to top it all off, my boss fired me completely out of the blue in February...

And I felt like a total failure.

I could so relate to Jeremiah's words:

"...my soul is bereft of peace;

I have forgotten what happiness is;

so I say, "My endurance has perished;

so has my hope from the LORD."

Remember my affliction and my wanderings,

the wormwood and the gall!

My soul continually remembers it

and is bowed down within me."

-Lamentations 3:17-20

I felt like a lost cause.

I felt like I'd squandered my opportunities for school.

I felt lost and totally alone.

But... God has been healing me.

My heart, my soul, my mind, my strength.

A big part of that has been reading So Long Insecurity.

God has been renewing my dignity and showing me where my security and freedom is found.

A couple of my friends had encouraged me to write a no-send letter to my boss just to help get my emotions out so that I didn't have to hold on to them any longer.

When I read this portion from the book today, I knew I didn't have to write the letter--

this is exactly what I would say :

"You can hurt my feelings, but you cannot have my security.

I won't let you. It's mine to keep. You cannot have it.

You can criticize me and even be right about [some of] what I did wrong, but you don't get to damage my security. It's mine to keep. You cannot have it.

You might have embarrassed me, but I refuse to let it fall on me so heavily that it smothers my security. It's mine to keep. You cannot have it.

You may [seem to] be so intimidating and threatening that I feel I have to hand a lot of things to you, but I refuse to hand over my security.

Who you are doesn't get to dwarf who I am.

My security is mine to keep. You cannot have it."

-Beth Moore

I don't have to keep playing out what happened in my head any longer.

I am free from that slavery and I will not let it have power over me anymore.

Jesus has given me freedom and I am going to embrace it like never before!

Chad read from Lamentations (the first portion is above) on Sunday, and really...

the timing couldn't have been better to hear this passage :

"But this I call to mind,

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him."

-Lamentations 3:21-24

Two days after hearing these words, I have a job again.

Even if I didn't, God's mercies are new every morning--

And I will hope in him, always.

galatians 6:14

"As for me, God forbid I should boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in the world died long ago, and the world's interest in me is also long dead."

perspective

I had a very well-timed and thoughtful chat with my lovely friend last night after small group. We both feel like we're in a state of limbo. Like we aren't too satisfied with how our lives are currently, but don't quite know what to do next.

Near the end she brought up a great point about how maybe this time in our lives is what's actually a crucial point in it. Maybe it's more important than the times we think we know what we're doing?

And I think there is something to that. If you have a different perspective than the culture we live in, that is.

We've been feeling like failures because of the influence culture has had on our thinking:

"You didn't get xyz degree, you don't have xyz job, you don't have anything figured out, so there must be something wrong with you..."

But then I have to ask, "What has been your definition of success? What do you value in life?"

And it's a hard one to answer... Because I think I get caught up somewhere in between what the world wants for me and what God wants for me far more often than I care to admit.

I so want to be entirely focused on what He values and wants for me and not the other way around!

And so... the limbo parts of my life can be just as important...

Will my life get snatched & consumed by the culture I live in?

Or will I continue valuing what God does and therefore feel purpose & dignity?

I'm definitely shooting for purpose & dignity...

isaiah 41:9-10

"I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God."

best birthday gift ever

In light of the recent events in my life, my insecurities have seemed to multiply like bunnies...

Any sort of stability I had two months ago seemed to come tumbling down in such a short time.

There was death...

There was being fired...

There was loosing confidence in my talents...

There was loosing what I thought was a friend...

There was moving to a new home... (which was voluntary, but nonetheless, change)

There is still not being hired...

There is still more uncertainty to come because that's what life brings...

But I'm getting more clarity.

And... I'm becoming thankful for it all.

I don't know how I can say that other than by the grace of God.

He's teaching me more about relying on Him...

And it's exciting!

I'm reading So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore and all I can say is--

perfect timing, again, Lord!

The truths I'm learning and the freedom I'm beginning to feel are powerful.

note to self

So cheesy but true none-the-less...

For your birthday this year, I'm giving you a whopping pile of growing pains...

I know they're going to be painful,

make you doubt,

make you cry,

make you want to run away,

make you want to give up.

But if you get through them...

it's going to be so worth it.

-God

none of these

"For freedom Christ has set us free, stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." -Galatians 5:1

"Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble... For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things." Psalm 107: 2 & 9

My own choices, circumstances, & problems can never keeps God's grace from me. I cannot undo the past... nor can I undo His grace and forgiveness. I cannot earn it or un-earn it.

And in light of my life now... and always... there will never be anything that will fill the void inside of me except knowing God's love for us- and that He's created us to be so much more than we can truly wrap our brains around.

My worth will never come from my work, my hobbies, vocation, talents, accomplishments, OR from my past mistakes, failures, self-doubt, fears... NONE OF THESE.

My purpose is to love.

My purpose is to live for God and no one else.

Thank you, Lord for your hand in my life.

Without You, I'd be lost forever.