light

I have a problem with writing blog posts and not posting them.
Yep.
Whoops.

I wrote most of this post back in September.
I don't know why I didn't post it.
Maybe because I knew God wasn't done working in my heart.
But more on that later...

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So, I wrote this post about 10 months ago.

Boy, if I'd only know I had just scratched the surface of that disgusting scab -
(Yeah, that's right, I work for doctors who deal with gross, oozy, unrelenting wounds and I'm not afraid of using that visual... because it is that gross and so was my pride.)

I guess God had another time frame in mind for me to fully process that sin. (boy, this has taken/is taking me a long time to learn)

Since that time I've been leading musical worship and co-leading a community group with my husband for a year.
That year has shown to be very illuminating in the area of my perfectionism.

Hi, I'm Sarah, and I'm a perfectionist.
Big time.

It finally came time for me to truly see the blood and the puss and the infection that had been growing under what I thought was being put together and in control of my life.

If I might describe a little of what my thoughts looked like for a good part of my late adolescent and adult life, it would be something like this:

"I've finally got it all, and I like it:

But...
I still need to get better at ______.
I still need to work on ______.
I still need to get the upper hand in ______.
I still haven't figured ______ out yet, but I will someday..."

This was the result of believing lies about where my identity comes from and what my own selfish and insecure ego was concocting.

I twisted my God-given giftings into something that would fuel the engine of pride and lust for more.
It was a heavy, heavy burden that I carried.
I knew Jesus was my Savior, I knew Jesus died for my sins -
But I was quite blinded by pride... to the point of not being able to see them for what they were:
SIN.

When I first learned about insecurity, I thought most of mine was just insecurity presented to me through circumstances: "This person said something to me when I was younger. That person did this to me and that's why I am the way I am. I felt this way when I was in middle school so I've been carrying around that burden ever since."

Even if some of this is true, I hadn't realized how going through that made me want to get the upper hand... Made me want to feel like I was the better person, like I was the one who overcame that junk and that I should be praised for it.

Let me tell you something, girls... It's really easy to hide behind a personality like mine and pretend like everything is okay. It's really easy to seem aloof, play off that I'm tired or need some "alone time" even when everything inside of me was crying out for someone to really listen and understand, but being so afraid of someone knowing that darkness inside me that they wouldn't really like me if they knew.

Well, I started to find that once I was asked to help lead people, God started pulling a lot of weeds. Weeds I didn't know where there. Weeds that were choking the beautiful flowers eager to bloom.

Sometime in July and August, with some help with dear friends to help me process, I came clean with God about the ugliness in my heart.
Confessing my doubt, my sin, my selfish people pleasing, my unquenchable thirst to be the best...
for holding on the idea that some day I would somehow achieve perfection by my own doing...
for thinking that I needed to somehow do something on my own to earn God's approval or even more, the approval of the people I look up to...

And then Jesus reminded me:

I knew what I was doing when I made you. 
I had a specific plan for you.

You are no more and no less than you are supposed to be.
There's nothing you can/need to do to change that.

And let me tell you... I felt so... light... for one of the first times in my life.

So much of my anxiety over leading music was lifted.
So much of my need to be perfect was subsided, because of Jesus.

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Looking back on this now, I do know that God continued revealing more of my continual sin after this. Even though I'd found a lot of freedom in one or two areas, there were still some I'd held on to.
Really, the one thing I was still unable to see was how much love I was holding back from Jesus.
And how much love I was refusing to accept from Him.

I'll write more about that in another post.
But, one thing is certain, friends -

I sure do love Jesus.