made for another world

Good conversations happen over food.
It's just a fact.

Back in January we went out to breakfast with our friends.
We can pretty much talk about anything and everything with these people -
We've been through life together.
We love them.

We got on the subject of careers and life purpose.
It was so interesting because we had an interesting mix of personalities in the mix -
Some of us are dreamy, wanderlusting, adventure seeking, spontaneous-to-the-max types -
Some of us are kinda caught between the dreamy and the practical side of things -
Some of us are very driven by responsibility, perseverance and just plan 'ol "get 'er done" mentality.

It was so good to hear what each of us had to say on the subject because it is truly important to understand where others are coming from.
I love that I'm apart of a community that instils this value - it is so encouraging!

So... naturally, when I got home...
I turned into a big hot mess.
I started weeping.
(its not uncommon for me to cry, of course, but this was a pretty big one)
Now, mind you, this was a couple months after I'd had some really tough wrestling with my sin in the areas of perfection (read more about that here) and found some healing and repentance there.
Clearly there was still something there I hadn't dealt with fully.

Why am I always looking forward to the next best thing?
Why do I tell myself, if you can just get through these next couple of days you'll be okay -
Why have I found myself always looking forward to something else -
Only to find that when I'm in that "perfect" time - it feels... empty...?
Less than I imaged?
Not as great as I thought it would be?

Have I lived my whole life like this?
Yeah... I think I have.

I'm reminded of a C.S. Lewis quote that pretty much hits the hammer on the nail:

image found here

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. 

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

-Matthew 6:19-21 (ESV) 

Bingo.

Words I've probably heard over a hundred times in my life.

I grew up in church, so I should have taken them to heart, right?

Wrong.

I have had my fingers clasped so tight around this world that its been almost impossible for me to think about another one.

Just another example of using my God given beautiful gifts in ways He did not intend.

I love beautiful things.

I love to make beautiful things.

I love to be around beautiful things.

Objects, people, places... things.

All temporary.

Except the people.

They aren't temporary beings.

They are eternal.

But I've been focusing on their exteriors, what they can do, what they can do for me, how successful them seem to be -

All which is temporary.

(Judge, much, Sarah?)

Now, their interiors... their soul, their worth as an image-bearer -

those are eternal.

I've been focusing on all the things that don't matter!

(that's not to say I always missed the important things and completely overlooked others, but I think I have more often that I care to admit)

This place we live in, this place isn't the be all, end all.

Heaven is.

I can't find any lasting pleasure here because its not to be found here.

But the relationships I make here -

Those are important.

Those mean something.

Those last.

And then, above all that still -

Jesus is the reason I can even love those people.

Jesus is why any of that stuff can matter.

To be continued...

light

I have a problem with writing blog posts and not posting them.
Yep.
Whoops.

I wrote most of this post back in September.
I don't know why I didn't post it.
Maybe because I knew God wasn't done working in my heart.
But more on that later...

_______________________________________

So, I wrote this post about 10 months ago.

Boy, if I'd only know I had just scratched the surface of that disgusting scab -
(Yeah, that's right, I work for doctors who deal with gross, oozy, unrelenting wounds and I'm not afraid of using that visual... because it is that gross and so was my pride.)

I guess God had another time frame in mind for me to fully process that sin. (boy, this has taken/is taking me a long time to learn)

Since that time I've been leading musical worship and co-leading a community group with my husband for a year.
That year has shown to be very illuminating in the area of my perfectionism.

Hi, I'm Sarah, and I'm a perfectionist.
Big time.

It finally came time for me to truly see the blood and the puss and the infection that had been growing under what I thought was being put together and in control of my life.

If I might describe a little of what my thoughts looked like for a good part of my late adolescent and adult life, it would be something like this:

"I've finally got it all, and I like it:

But...
I still need to get better at ______.
I still need to work on ______.
I still need to get the upper hand in ______.
I still haven't figured ______ out yet, but I will someday..."

This was the result of believing lies about where my identity comes from and what my own selfish and insecure ego was concocting.

I twisted my God-given giftings into something that would fuel the engine of pride and lust for more.
It was a heavy, heavy burden that I carried.
I knew Jesus was my Savior, I knew Jesus died for my sins -
But I was quite blinded by pride... to the point of not being able to see them for what they were:
SIN.

When I first learned about insecurity, I thought most of mine was just insecurity presented to me through circumstances: "This person said something to me when I was younger. That person did this to me and that's why I am the way I am. I felt this way when I was in middle school so I've been carrying around that burden ever since."

Even if some of this is true, I hadn't realized how going through that made me want to get the upper hand... Made me want to feel like I was the better person, like I was the one who overcame that junk and that I should be praised for it.

Let me tell you something, girls... It's really easy to hide behind a personality like mine and pretend like everything is okay. It's really easy to seem aloof, play off that I'm tired or need some "alone time" even when everything inside of me was crying out for someone to really listen and understand, but being so afraid of someone knowing that darkness inside me that they wouldn't really like me if they knew.

Well, I started to find that once I was asked to help lead people, God started pulling a lot of weeds. Weeds I didn't know where there. Weeds that were choking the beautiful flowers eager to bloom.

Sometime in July and August, with some help with dear friends to help me process, I came clean with God about the ugliness in my heart.
Confessing my doubt, my sin, my selfish people pleasing, my unquenchable thirst to be the best...
for holding on the idea that some day I would somehow achieve perfection by my own doing...
for thinking that I needed to somehow do something on my own to earn God's approval or even more, the approval of the people I look up to...

And then Jesus reminded me:

I knew what I was doing when I made you. 
I had a specific plan for you.

You are no more and no less than you are supposed to be.
There's nothing you can/need to do to change that.

And let me tell you... I felt so... light... for one of the first times in my life.

So much of my anxiety over leading music was lifted.
So much of my need to be perfect was subsided, because of Jesus.

_______________________________________


Looking back on this now, I do know that God continued revealing more of my continual sin after this. Even though I'd found a lot of freedom in one or two areas, there were still some I'd held on to.
Really, the one thing I was still unable to see was how much love I was holding back from Jesus.
And how much love I was refusing to accept from Him.

I'll write more about that in another post.
But, one thing is certain, friends -

I sure do love Jesus.

psalm 3:3

On our retreat a couple weeks ago, my friend mention this verse and it has spoken to so many of us since then:

"But you, O Lord, are a shield around me,

my glory, and the one who lifts my head high."

- p s a l m  3 : 3  N L T

(couldn't find the original image on the website, but here's the awesome website the pinterest image links to)

Was there another verse that we heard on retreat that really spoke to you?

I'd love to hear from more of you about how God's Word has changed you - His word is living and active to bring change in our lives. I don't know about you, but this is so mysterious and beautiful to me, more now than ever!

august verse

Boy, have I been slacking in the memorizing department for the last 10 months or so...

To help pick up my motivation, I created a pinterest board of fun visuals (also click on my scripture link up top and you can view them from there). 

We just recently finished up studying 1 & 2 Peter with our church and this one has stuck out to me:

I've experienced first hand how powerful scripture memory is -

Looking forward to continuing this discipline for the joy that comes with it!

give thanks

six songs 2012

We had our annual "Six Songs" art show last weekend.

It is so wonderful to be apart of a church community that values and encourages artists!

I look forward to it every year, 

even though I always wait till the last minute and always doubt what I can come up with, 

God always seems to show me what new things to share about what He's teaching me.

I'm excited to give this painting to my dear friends in California when I go to visit them this month!

Here was my piece and the blurb I wrote for it- enjoy!

song inspiration: ulysess by josh garrels; watercolor & colored pencils on wood

There's a quite a few interpretations of this song that I've read- the title of it being drawn from a character in the Odyssey who longs to be reunited with his love. There is also a parallel drawn to the struggles of life. This was a pretty simple concept to me, but I'm not too good at hidden meanings so I really did love the simplicity of it. I also have a love of typography so I loved the process of writing out these words.

The lyrics I chose are what really struck me about the song:

"Carry me with the memories of the beauty I have known" 

This brought to mind the recent reminder I've had in my life- to know the importance of remembering what God has done to change my life.

Remembering what God has done in the past can carry me in the times I'm just not sure. There is beauty in these memories- even if they were painful at the time, I believe God has used them all for good.

"I'm sailing home to you, I won't be long...

By the light of moon, I will press on"

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ took hold of me.” -Philippians 3:12

perfect in weakness

I started this post a while back-
And since it's kinda big stuff for me I can be a little fearful of being this honest-
But hey, this is real stuff going on in my life right now.
I may not have it fully processed but I'm getting there.
There is so much in my head & heart right now.
I hope this comes out coherently...

We had our annual women's retreat the first weekend in October.
The theme of our weekend was "Let us be Reminded".
Dunno if you ever read this post I wrote a while back, but it's something I need to be reminded of in my life.
This post is about another insecurity God is breaking apart and replacing it with more security found in Christ.
Pretty awesome, really, that God used the weekend of the retreat to help me conquer another piece of insecurity -
And I will look back on it and be reminded.

It has been a trying last couple of months for me; emotional, physically, spiritually.
Sometimes it didn't seem so hard, sometimes it's seemed like so much more than I could handle.
I've been asking God if all this is really what He wants me to do pleanty of times.
Every time I've been answered:

Through His Word:

"...My power is made perfect in weakness..."
-2 Corinth. 12:9-10

"The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."
-Zephaniah 3:17

Through song:

"Oh, my God, he will not delay.

My refuge and strength, always.

I will not fear, His promise is true.

My God will come through, always."

And through my friends.
I've never felt so supported by my community in this way.
During a time when I've felt the most vulnerable -
I've been encouraged to keep going.
I've been told that what I'm doing is good.
I've been challenged to go further.
I've been shown grace in my learning.

Well, on one hand, I've learned that this thing that I've been trying to conquire is really not a big deal when it's all said and done.
And that has helped me let go.
Let go of perfection, let go of pride.
And in that, knowing that God can be glorified when I humble myself-
And just aknowledge that He is what matters, nothing else -
This has shown me what worship is & what it isn't...

And on another hand, it has meant such a great deal to me, as an insecure and prideful woman.
By being asked to lead musical worship for my community, I've had to learn more about myself:
What my own voice sounds like...
What sort of deep insecurities I've been holding on to that I didn't really know I had...
Whether I care more about what people think of me or more about what God thinks of me...

I've had to face a huge fear of failing with singing.
I've been hiding, forever been comparing it, been too afraid of what it will sound like on it's own.
(Some of you may be a little confused because you've seen me sing a lot.
Well, most of the time, I've been hiding behind other people and hoping that I haven't really been heard.)
And what I've finally found, at 26 year old, is that I don't mind my singing voice.
Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I still get frustrated with what it can't do.
But for the first time ever, I'm okay with that and I want to share it with people.
Just because its not perfect does not mean I can't use it!
God put within me a to desire to sing -
Whatever that looks like -
Who am I to keep repressing that and trying to cover up how much I love it?

On retreat, I lead musical worship for 40+ women singing their hearts out to God.
It was so very humbling.
God entrusted me with helping lead these women to express feelings that sometimes cannot be expressed any better way that with music.
The weight of that responsibility was at times overwhelming.
But ultimately I found it to be such a joy and a privilege to be given by God and the people I love.
And that has continued to be the case as I've lead our church in worship as well.

For me this is a huge step and a small step all at once.
Huge for me finding more freedom in my life-
Small because it's just one little chapter in the story God is still writing for me through my freedom in Jesus.
I'm continuing to learn what God is redeeming me from-
So that I may know what he's redeeming me for.